Karwachauth: How Do I love thee? Let me Count the Ways

Spouse : Not a Destination but a Fellow Traveler

Since the technology breakthroughs have made a revolutionary impact on our lives, and changed the fundamental way of our living, it’s no strange thing that it has changed the way we think. Interestingly, all change hasn't been good, especially when it comes to debates like fasting on particular days and festivals or praying to certain deities or not. This is because with progress we should have really liberated ourselves of such debates then falling prey to them. It doesn't and shouldn't matter which religion and philosophy do you follow unless you aren't a trouble creator for others. Then, the endless debates on condemning the rituals as gateway to modern thinking or holding them up with pride seems so baselessly eulogized version of being just-an-extremist for no reason. Whether one believes in fasting or praying is a personal choice but condemning everything on social media as baseless is more than the word “cruel” can define. Of course, I am heading to the most debatable “Karvachauth” fast.

In the modern times, we love to express our immediate opinion about everything as if it’s something so valuable that might be lost without an expression. Ours is the most ancient and scientifically rooted culture. There are reasons for doing everything although we might not be aware of them. Just because we are ignorant doesn't mean there aren't any!  Well, I won’t delve deeper into fasting as unnecessarily-made-up-sensitive issue anymore but more on the relationship that it is kept for. Well, I don’t know it increases the life period of your husband on this planet for few more years or not but it does increase the significance of the relationship itself. If Valentine ’s Day is no problem, Karwachauth certainly shouldn't be!

Well, Marriage is neither a philosophy nor religion. It is an institution which has been established by our culture through ages, an institution which is very well organized and stabilized by itself. Of course, I have been married for just eleven years which doesn't give me an authority to speak over it. Even if somebody is married for longer duration doesn't qualify one to be a speaker on this vast topic. It’s something like a mom of three children think she knows more than mom of one child. Of course, she can be granted what she learnt from her first two experiences, but it is equally possible that she might be committing the same mistake thrice! If you have really given time, chance and proper attention to this relationship, you become eligible to share your learning with those around you. That’s the only criterion I probably fall into. Marriage isn't something which we did for our survival. It is matter of choice of course. As we wrongly put it “soul mates” most often and thus distort the value the relationship holds, making it something that is too “ideal” and “perfect”. Our soul is accomplished in itself; it surely doesn't need a mate. So, finally we are may be path mates or fellow travelers as I mentioned in the heading itself! We need companionship for various reasons but the mistake we do is to attempt and do best things in marriage. We need to come to terms with reality. We can’t do best things as doing best involves the participation of others, hence the increased competitiveness to win over others. This is what makes life so disastrous. Let us do great things in relationships because that involves just us… our sincere efforts… our will to make a great difference to the best of our own capabilities, and not in relation to somebody else. We aren't’ doing the great things that we can on our own with “nishchayavatatvam” (absolute dedication), but always hankering with the thoughts of copying others, or doing something else. In this kind of process, life becomes a series of endless waste. Whatever we attempt isn't’ with full dedication because at back of our minds, there are thoughts troubling us: what if it doesn't work? What if there are other or better ways of doing it that I am missing on? There is no such thing as the best. You got to decide for yourself and just implement.

Before entering the sacred institution of marriage you have all the choice because marriage isn't a social prescription that is mandatory for everybody to take. It is a choice that once made shall fundamentally be based on thought of “inclusion” and not “exclusiveness” (Of course, there are few marriages where there isn't a way out but to separate, and that is an unfortunate reality).  Mostly, it is observed that the quality of one’s relationship determines the quality of his/her life. If it is so important, it should be paid attention to, and given a chance to prosper. The biggest mistake probably we do is to  begin the journey with the thought of keeping “understanding” each other as the highest value in marriage. If you give enough time to ponder, you will realize that the partner of yours is seeking for inclusiveness and acceptance, and not really understanding. So, if with time you learn to include the other as a part of you, the relationship becomes a partnership of expression of joy. There shouldn't be pursuit of happiness as a major married life goal! Something that you and your partner are creating cannot be a goal to achieve. In fact that should be just the normal way of life for both of you. Even if what the other person says makes no sense to you, you needn't screw yourself up by trying to understand. You just need to give patient hearing and reverberate a feeling of acceptance. That’s all the person is seeking. Most ladies face depression only in their married lives because of lack of acceptance and inclusion, and not because they aren't being understood by their husbands.

There isn't a perfect marriage because …. Come on! There aren't perfect people to build it! Any relationship if treated like a verb (action) rather than a noun, it will work most of the times! I don’t believe in making “Eden” love-pouring-at-all-times type of homes  by giving supreme importance to husband by fasting for him but I do believe in doing certain actions which will build on this beautiful partnership with the fellow traveler by taking into account his different way of doing things as a thing to celebrate than to  disagree on. I believe in treading the path together with some conscious and dedicated actions to remain inclusive at all times. So, well … disclaimer … I am fasting!! (It’s one of my actions to keep the relationship all inclusive … and.. a reverberation of belief that … We are our culture)

Just because of not-so-good habit of attempting at few poetic outpourings now and then:

If to be a lover is to be a poet, I am a poet;

Countless are the ways I love thee.

By tearful prayers and fiery longing fed

are the frozen lakes of passionate love steered.

To revel in loving affair is so rare

as not power and sanity, but crystallized intoxicated spirit it bears.

Such is the vitality of marriage and its fringes

that holding scale of meter in poem twinges.

If bosom attempts to hold the mystery of concealed love

through hundred unerring glances it finds expression above

all the perfumes and multihued jewels that try to glove

the common denominator of mankind: Love!

If you know not these states of love

You know not also how to unknow.

Come, sit here, where the roses glow

Here sanity’s glimmering lamp into gorgeous light of day blows.

Wend now thy way with brow serene

Fear not to fall, as in Love, one never rises but still gleams !